morning sex

what a sweet treat it is when my Man rolls over upon waking, and i see his yummy cock all hard.. sometimes he will take me and fuck me hard, urgent.. using me like his own personal whore.. even talking to me like i am paid to be there, only to service him.. no regard for me - it's only him..

i love that

it's because he takes care of me several times a week that this morning whore-fuck works.. i know it won't be long after being used like the slut i really am that he will make love to me, and give me orgasms that take me to outer space..

or he will just use me more..

mmmmmmmmmmm - either way it's a good thing.. fuck me again, Master

today's whinefest..

have you ever found yourself so caught up in the mundane monotony of life that you realize you have lost sight of the special things? life has so many pressures, so many ridiculous expectations, and i think i have put myself in a huge rut, completely stressed to the max..

i have just found out from my gyn that i have super high blood pressure and need to get to my doctor.. i've also been taken off birth control which i really hate.. my job is a drudge, and i feel like i am not fulfilling my purpose in life in the least.. daily traffic wears me down so much that honestly i have had a panic attack while driving on Dallas' fucked up freeway system..

i do have 2 great kids, but they have ups and downs, and sometimes i feel so responsible for the problems they are facing.. i am divorced, and now living in a teeny apartment with my youngest son.. i feel guilty that my kids don't live in the huge house that we used to when i was dying in my pathetic marriage.. i feel overwhelmed when i look in their eyes and see stress there.. i know i am doing the best i can, and i know one million per cent that the divorce was the right thing to do, no matter what the bible belt believers tell me.. i look at my youngest son who is a soph in high school, and know i probably drive him crazy.. i hate that he has to be so poor with me - he even got in trouble with his percussion teacher at school for not having the right sticks, and he told me he didn't ask me for what he needs because he knows we don't have money.. i see my oldest son working so hard at his job, and going to school full time as well, and i see circles under his eyes, and know he is dead broke (just like me), and it kills me that i can't be more of a provider.. i love my kids, and they love me, and they are really good kids - that's the good part.. the hard part is just life.. i wish i could go back and start on a way where i could be a better provider, able to give them a better place to live, a better life..

i have an amazing boyfriend.. we have been together over 2 1/2 years.. he is gorgeous, smart, successful, creative, caring, thoughtful, loving, sexy, snuggly.. he is everything i have ever wanted in a man.. yet i think i drive him crazy, maybe even wear on him like the traffic wears on me.. sometimes i can see it in his beautiful blue eyes.. i feel like i am a fuck-up and i feel like perhaps there are times he wishes i would just go away for a while - these are just my feelings, not what he tells me or shows me.. i know he loves me; he shows me daily that he does.. he is wonderful to me.. i think the pressures of my life are dragging on him, though.. i take total responsibility for this.. i have been reading some very old emails that Doug and i had written to each other.. way back when we were both married to other people (tsk tsk) and were meeting each other as often as possible for stolen moments and kisses and sex and connectedfulness (my own word).. what was written in those emails tugged strongly at my heart, and made me wanna go back to the beginning when life's stress and my depression wasn't an issue..

i think i am depressed..

shock

too much pressure.. too much..

----------

i started writing this yesterday when i was very very down; today i am better.. what a roller coaster.. i don't even know why i'm writing this.. just needed to get it out, i guess..

i am thankful for what i have in life: my kids, my Man, my dad and sister, my job, the place i live, the $15 in my purse (which i'm sure will be gone by tomorrow), my car (even though i sit dead still in it way too much).. i am thankful that there are people who not only put up with me, but who love me a lot.. i am thankful Doug and i are going to cancun in 10 days - i tell ya, we both need it bad..

i am thankful that i am alive and in love..

maybe today i can make a difference in those people's lives who matter to me, and show them they are appreciated and loved..

here goes...

thursday's verse

Georgie Porgie, horny but shy,
Kissed his own cock; white tears it did cry.
When the girls heard of his elongation,
He had pussy without cessation.


now THAT'S a tall tale!! mmmmm!

only in Texas....

ONLY in Texas will you see weathermen wet themselves because they are so frickin excited 'cause a COLD FRONT is coming that will drop our temps to 87 degrees!!!

welcome to HELL...

Bi Watch

ok.. so i attract bisexual girls from time to time.. but lately, the only girls who have shown interest in me are horny bi chicks, but they are also a TEASE..

argggggggggggggggg

i hate that..

this past saturday at karaoke (Doug and i go every other sat night - bleachers in garland) we were having a great time.. drinking mucho tequila, and kicking karaoke ass.. and near the end of the night, when i went up to give our awesome KJ my next song request, there was a chick standing up there too.. she approached me to tell me she liked my singing, and we struck up a conversation..

i was just about as wasted as she was, and she asked where i was sitting, and what i was drinking.. i pointed to the table where Doug and i were, and also mentioned that the gorgeous guy at the table was my HOT man.. she commented on his "hotitude" and said she was gonna buy us a round of shots..

so i went back to my table, and told Doug.. and of course, the drinks never got there.. so i just chalked that up to her being drunk and forgetting.. a little bit later i got up to go to the ladies room, and guess who i passed in the little passageway there? yes, drunk girl..

she started talking to me again.. this time much closer.. the little area of the bar we were standing in is somewhat remote, and we were all alone right there except for one loser-dude sitting playing a video game.. he even asked if we could move over a little because we were in his gaming space.. ex-cuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuse me..

so we moved over a skosh, and continued our intimate talk.. she wasn't shy when she was moving my shirt some to check out my tits.. and yes, i was wearing a top that showed lots of cleavage.. SHOCK! i enjoyed the attention from her and moved in a little closer to her..

might have been the tequila, or just my horniness for a woman, but i asked her if she was straight.. i already knew the answer because honestly, what straight woman would be moving my shirt around and looking at my tits? she said she was straight, but then said she was bi (jackpot!).. i told her i was too.. and she smiled, and pulled me in to her.. and kissed me..

that's all i needed, and i returned the kiss.. several, in fact.. the video-dude even turned around to watch.. we kissed several times - tongues and all - arms around each other.. then she said her daughter was in the bar somewhere, and she had to behave somewhat.. blahhhhhhhh...

so she went back to her table, and i continued on into the girl's room.. when i came out, i rushed back to Doug to tell him what had happened.. cause i wanted to grab the girl again, and take Doug back there with me, and have the three of us do some serious lip action..

about the time i finished telling him, i noticed the girl was LEAVING!!!!! WTF?? so needless to say, i was disappointed, not to even mention how disappointed Doug was - he is hot to see me with another girl (that's something we haven't done yet)..

so i watched as yet another girl at that bar (yes, there have been a couple more) left alone without us after making out.. leaving me all wet and wiggly, ready to taste divine pleasure, wanting to share this part of me with my sexy Man..

sighhhhhh...

this doesn't deter me.. not in the least.. in fact, it just makes me want to be a little more bold next time..

what i should have done is to have pulled that bitch into the bathroom with me, and enjoyed her there for a while and suggest there that she come home with us..

lesson learned - don't pussyfoot around when it comes to horny girls who approach me..

ok, i'm ready for next time .. can't wait til Doug and i go out again.. believe me, i will be looking for an opportunity..

YUM!

?

is anybody out there?

to my Man...

i just want everyone to know that you are everything to me, and i love you so much..


I used to cry myself to sleep at night
but that was all before you came
i thought love had to hurt to turn out right
but now you're here; it's not the same..it's not the same

you fill me up
you give me love
more love than i've ever seen
you're all i've got
you're all i've got in this world
but you're all the man that i need

And in the morning when i kiss your eyes
you take me down, and rock me slow
and in the evening when the moon is high
you hold me close and won't let go
you won't let go

you fill me up
you give me love
more love than i've ever seen
you're all i've got
you're all i've got in this world
but you're all the man that i need

thursday's verse

Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
How does your gangbang fare?
With a couple of cocks stuffed in your hot box,
And three more in the derriere.




eeeeeeeeeeeeek, did i say that?????

dear reader, a bit of explanation

a bit..a bit..

ok, i am aware that my writings are all over the spectrum, but i think i may know why: i am a gemini - totally divided, totally fucked-up, totally high, totally low.. totally..

one day a nasty girl begging to be fucked hard; the next, the sad daughter crying for her mommy..

who am i today? hell, i have no idea..

or do i?

perhaps this illusion of duality is just a ruse that i use to cover up fear, doubt, depression, perversion... maybe i think it's hot to appear tormented and wild.. could be that i love being the little girl lost, wanting Daddy* to take me by the hair and reign me in, and then rain his punishment and Dominance over me..

mmmm yeah.. i like that.. treat me like a bad girl, a really naughty, nasty girl.. cause that's exactly what i am - hardcore slut, bitch, cunt: perverted and open to just bout anything.. beat me with your fists and hold my neck tight while you fuck me.. leave marks on my back where you whip me with the cat.. drip hot wax everywhere, please..

but wait a tick..

maybe the "illusion of duality" isn't an illusion at all - what if i really AM divided? should i then separate the good from the evil, like dr. jekyll attempted to do?

"In each of us there are two natures. If this primitive duality of man - good and evil - can be housed in separate identities, life will be relieved of all that is unbearable. It is the curse of mankind...that these polar twins should be constantly struggling...."

well i'm not gonna go as far as he did, cause look how he ended up.. plus i'm more of a masochist than a sadist anyway.. hahaha..

i think the answer then might be to find a balance..

BORING!!!!!!!!!

nah... i think i will just stay who i am: twisted, addicted to sex, over the top at times, devoted, caring, vulnerable, loving, perverse, tequila-fueled at times, crazy, happy, sad, tormented, abused, hard-working, burned out, hopeful, optimistic, addicted to sex, seafood lover (inside joke), cocksucker, band mom, masochist, wannabe-sadist, singer, gullible, too trusting, not trusting at all, gunshy, paranoid, confident, lover, hater, mom, daughter, girlfriend, best friend, bitch, nobody, someone, addicted to sex (did i say that already?)... me

how's that? why am i asking you? i don't give a shit..

but do you approve? please?

-----------------------


*just so all you other sick fucks know - "Daddy" is my sexy Man - Doug.. and not my actual biological father... ok???

sank you, docktah..

a letter to my mom

my dear mom,

i hope you can read this ......

it's been 3 long years since i have seen you, and i wanted to write to you and tell you how much i miss you.. i hate how time just goes on, ignoring the fact that you aren't here with me - the time passing so quickly and uncaring, unaware that i am here and you aren't.. don't think that there is even one day that i don't think about you and wonder where you are, and what you are doing.. i also wonder why you left..

we were best friends.. yes, mother and daughter, but more than that - we were US.. we had so many adventures together, laughed so much, cried so much..

remember when we went to D.C. with teri? from the minute we got on the plane, we were all 3 hysterical laughing.. everything was funny.. i recall a little stint at the smithsonian when the 3 of us saw the do-it-yourself photo booth, and we all crammed in there together.. we picked the picture of bill clinton as the background (this was during the cigar-insertion era of his.. um.. "presidency"), and teri and i made goo-goo eyes at him, but you looked at him in shock.. it took us about 20 minutes to be serious enough to take the picture in that tiny booth.. people were waiting outside the booth for us to get done, and when we finally did get the picture snapped, and saw the results, the picture was so funny that we had to get the attendant and BEG her to print 2 more copies so we could each have one.. i still have that picture of us, mom.. it brings back that whole trip just like it was yesterday.. we stayed at the willard hotel... the doorman thought you were hot, and flirted with you all weekend..

then there was new york city... many times new york city.. always new york city.. that was our city, wasn't it, mom? we walked up and down 5th avenue like it was our street - like we were "ms. got rocks".. we strolled through central park like it was our big back yard.. you, teri, and i stood in 3 different corners of the lobby of the waldorf, not even able to look at each other cause we were laughing so hard.. we laughed til we peed ourselves.. i don't even remember now what was so freakin funny, but god, i remember laughing... we saw show after show after show each time we went - phantom, les mis, jekyll and hyde, etc.. our places: sardi's, the plaza hotel, carnegie deli, the central park zoo, time square, the line at tkts in times square, st patricks cathedral... too many places to mention.. and in nyc, the hot dog man (a.k.a. the "wienie man") flirted with you... omg, how funny..

you and i were both moms together.. that was the best.. you were bestest friends with my josh, weren't you? and you adored my chris.. you taught them so much about love and laughter, about being good people.. you brightened their world every time they saw you.. and it killed them when you left us..

you kicked canasta butt!! but sometimes i won, too.. i loved playing cards with you, mom.. we had some really good talks while we played..

and then there was .... lancome .... i never got to tell you my funny saying about that: "the first rule of lancome is you don't talk about the lancome, the second rule of lancome is you DON'T TALK ABOUT THE LANCOME".. dad never did know how much you spent on that, did he? oh mom, shopping was our forte.. we went to the mall and the clerks actually knew us at neiman's and dillards at northpark mall.. we spent hours looking at everything, talking a million miles a minute.. spending too much money always.. i loved your saying: "why buy it on sale when you can buy it for full price?" ... you were just too funny, mom..

you were my rock.. you cheered me when i succeeded, and you propped me up when i fell.. you used to love to hear me sing.. i remember you would cry every time i performed because you were so proud of me.. you were there for every important event in my life, and i love you so much for always being there..

i just wish i knew why you can't be here now.. my life has changed so much since we last talked.. i'm divorced now, and i know you would understand that probably better than anyone else.. josh graduated from high school, and we missed you terribly on that incredibly hot day in may of 2003.. you would have been so proud of him.. we cried that day because you weren't there.. he is in his junior year of college now.. chris struggled for 2 years after you left.. he almost gave up, in fact, and i was terrified that he would never snap out of the sadness.. but he is doing so well now.. he started to high school last year, and is a sophomore now.. he is passing everything (and did last year, too) with all A's and B's.. talk about a transformation - he has worked hard.. as for me - i have met the most amazing man in the world, and i am so in love with him.. mom, you would love him.. he is so gorgeous, so sweet to me, so good to chris and josh.. he thinks about me, and does things for me.. he loves me so much and treats me better than i've ever been treated before.. you would have loved teasing him with your sense of humor.. you would have loved his beautiful hair and eyes.. mom, i am so happy..

except for the loss of you.. Doug has been there for me so many times when i break down and cry for you.. and he comforts me, and listens to me, and offers support.. the kids are doing better, but they miss you, too.. we all do - especially dad.. he is still so devoted to you, and always will be.. it's like his life is all but over..

you were one of a kind.. there is no one on this planet like you.. i miss you, and it burns inside me like a fire.. you are still so loved.. you always will be..

i just wanted to let you know these things.. to let you know that even though you are not here, that you ARE here in my heart and mind.. i wish i could see you, hear you, talk to you, hug you.. there's so many things i need to talk to you about.. i need you, mom..

but...

please be well.. please be happy.. please wait for me wherever you are, and meet me there someday..

i love you mom...

traci


- - - - - -

my mom died on september 16, 2002 at 1:20pm... she was only 66 years old, and so amazingly full of LIFE.. but, she had cancer, and when i say cancer, i mean the kind that takes over a body so quickly and completely that it makes your head spin.. she had only been diagnosed 7 months prior, so it seems like the last few months of her life went way too fast for all who loved her.. we just weren't ready for her to go..

i will never stop missing her, and i will never stop loving her..

only one hour left

when i started this day 3 years ago, how was i to know that at this time (12:20pm) that my mom would be dead in one hour?

i fucking hate that

i will always fucking hate that

FUCK

FUCK

i don't even wanna talk about it

i'm so pissed off at cancer

i want my mom back, you fucking hateful destroyer of life

FUCK YOU CANCER

thursday's verse

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept up inside her,
But Little Boy Blue's swollen horn.


oh that's just not right... spank me, Daddy!

the slut, the knife, and the truth

it's like this:

there are times in one's life when they get a little taste of something, and just can't get that taste out of their mouths, their mind, their being.. it's almost like they get a hint at something, then it's gone.. and if they add to that the element of it being taboo, well, it just makes them want it more..

such is the knife..

i've only known one knife really.. or should i say one real knife - the knife you used on me, Love.. yes, i had initials carved in my ass with an exacto knife a few years back: fuck-a-doodle-doo..

but the exacto knife isn't what i'm talking about here.. i don't know what experience if any you have with knifeplay, dear reader, or even if you want it.. i just know that what was shown and done to me is one of those experiences i just can't get out of my head.. be it perverse, or masochistic, or insane - i know its something i won't forget, and it is something i would love to explore indepth with my Master.. over a long period of time..

------------------------------

the following is a story - just something i made up in my naughty head.. bear with me, for the knife will make its appearance before "they all lived happily ever after" appears..

------------------------------

we are together now.. you and i.. and you have taught me so many things, and i have shown you many things as well.. you are my Master, i am your babyslave.. there are no boundaries in our relationship.. we know each other so well that we know what works, what doesn't.. we love to experiment and try new things..

you like the fact that i'm a slut.. because as your slut, you enjoy seeing me be very free to express my sexuality and sensuality.. you like it when i talk nasty to you and tell you things i want to do to you.. and you love knowing that i will do what you tell me to do.. you like seeing me show lots of cleavage when we go out.. you like it when men stare at my tits.. you like seeing me flirt and get men hot.. sometimes you let me do more.. not all the time, because you know that since i'm such a slut, i would probably be fucking all the time if you allowed it.. but sometimes you let me be a naughty whore and suck other cocks just so you can watch me be a bad kitty for you..

sometimes you let me do more.. and on those occasions when i have been a very nasty whoreslut, not only do you get immensely turned on, you also become very aggressively dominant, knowing i must be punished.. this is something i knew ahead of time, too.. i know that the freedom you have given me will cost me in pain, punishment..

tonight was one of those nights.. we went to a club and i was wearing my new sexy white panties that turn you on so much.. a short skirt.. a top that shows my big tits.. stockings and high heel pumps.. i wore the slave cock ring on my wrist as well.. you looked so good too - and i saw which sexy undies you put on before we left our house (yum).. we stood near the bar and you allowed me to be open in my desire for you.. people were watching as i rubbed your cock there at the bar.. others were playing with their dates too.. sex was in the air.. and we were both horny.. but you wanted me to prove how horny i was before you took me home and fucked me yourself..

you spotted a man watching me rub you.. and you said.. "that's the man you will be my slut with".. i pouted and said, "but Daddy, i want only you tonight".. you took my face in your hands and kissed me, and told me "go" .. i turned and started walking to the ladies room, and heard you laughing as i walked away.. as i passed the man, i leaned over and asked him to wait for me.. when i came out of the ladies room, you weren't where you had been before.. the club was very crowded and i had no idea where you were.. of course you were watching me.. and i knew you were.. i just couldn't see you.. i approached the man and he stood and asked me to sit with him.. he asked where you had gone.. and i said you must have left.. he complimented me on how i looked and also said he really enjoyed watching me touch you.. because he was imagining it was his cock.. i reached over and said "oh really?"... i touched his thigh and started scratching with my fingernails through his pants.. and while looking in his eyes, i inched closer up and started rubbing his cock.. and i said.. "like this?"... he was the one who broke the stare, and he closed his eyes, and said "yessssss".. he was hard instantly.. and i unzipped him right there.. reached inside his pants, past his undies.. and felt his hard cock..

i could feel your eyes on me.. and while his eyes were closed, i looked for you, and spotted you.. you smiled at me and i looked at you and asked with my eyes if i could come back to you .. and you shook your head no.. i kept stroking him and he said "omg lets go somewhere".. i suggested we go out to the patio of the club.. i knew there were all kinds of fun activities that happen out there.. and so i left him unzipped, and pulled him by his cock to the outside area..

you followed a distance behind us.. outside we stood by a wall and i pressed him hard against the wall.. undoing the button of his pants.. i looked and saw you watching.. i bent down and squatted there taking his cock out.. and i looked at you, and put his cock in my mouth.. the guy was oblivious.. all he knew was that his cock was being sucked by a gorgeous redhead.. i watched you the whole time, Master.. i could tell you were turned on.. some people watched.. others were doing the same as i was.. i knew he was about to cum and i asked you with my eyes if it was ok, and you said out loud.. "make him cum on your face, slut".. and i grinned with his cock in my mouth, and sucked harder.. he let out a gasp, and i took his cock out and stroked it against my face.. he came all over my face and i watched you the whole time.. when he was done, i stood and left him.. no word.. didn't place his cock back in his pants.. didn't wipe off his cum from my face.. i just left him.. and i knew to head directly to our car..

at our car, i stood beside the passenger door, kneeling.. waiting..

you come to me, and unlock the door, and raise me up, and slap my face hard.." get in the car, slut".. people see this.. i am beyond turned on..i know you are too.. we don't give a shit what others think.. we know whats going on..

in the car, you tell me what a slut i am, a cocksucking slut who needs to be punished..

at home.. you order me to get naked.. to go wash the fucking cum off my face.. and to be ready in 5 minutes.. "yes Master" ..

i come to you, cleaned up.. well, the outside is clean.. you will have to clean me inside won't you, Master? how will you clean me?

you order me to lay on my back on our bed, and i obey.. you tie my wrists to the headboard.. you tell me to watch carefully.. you want me to see every move you make.. you want me to see my punishment.. you take the KNIFE and i say, "please, no, Master".. and you slap me hard .. you tell me i have been a slut tonight and you must cleanse me..

i know.. you are right.. my heart is going a million miles an hour.. my breath is racing.. there is a tear in my eye.. i see your eyes, and you are in there, but you are the Punisher right now, not Daddy.. you are straddling me.. sitting on my waist.. your weight holding me down so hard into the bed..

you take the knife.. our knife.. the one that weighs very heavy in your hand.. and you gently place it on my neck.. and i close my eyes.. and you say.. "open your fucking eyes, bitch".. and i do immediately.. tears now streaming down my face.. the knife is so heavy on my delicate skin.. i trust you with my life.. and yet i'm terrified.. you slowly run the knife across my fragile, soft neck and i am motionless.. not even breathing.. i never do take my eyes from yours.. i see delight in your eyes.. i see power, and control.. i see the Man i want.. you run the knife down from my neck, down the middle of my chest.. it feels like you are cutting me, opening my skin.. the tears come even more now.. i say "Master".. you don't answer at all.. you are immersed, consumed, absorbed in your task.. the lines that the knife leaves on my skin are your artwork..

you concentrate even harder now and i realize you are writing in my flesh.. i lay so still.. feeling the sharp knife enter my skin.. not too deep.. but deep enough.. you write on me in a way that will leave this word for about 2 weeks.. then it will be gone from physicality, but will remain cut into my mind forever.. you work hard at making it just right..

the tears have stopped for now.. and i lay there quietly listening to you breathe.. watching you create.. becoming so aroused.. my breath is slower now, deeper, wanting.. my eyes change from fear to trust and desire.. you finish your handiwork, and just when i let our a big sigh of relief, you take the knife, my Love, and run it hard down my belly.. i know i have been cut.. i know there is blood.. i also know its not a serious cut, and it didn't hurt at all.. the sight of this cut will take longer to fade, but it will in time.. it will heal.. it will make a long scar down my belly..

and it will be something i touch as i masturbate.. feeling the line you made in me.. making me cum so hard..you tell me to stand up now and go to the mirror.. i tremble as i walk for i am weak.. and as i read the word, i rub the blood back into my flesh over the word.. i am so wet now..

"come to me," you say.. and i obey again.. you lay me down as your lover.. you begin kissing me deep, and you mount me.. you fuck me hard.. and you cum inside me just as i cum.. you tell me the truth in my ear when we are done..

i sleep with you, my Lover, myMaster, my Daddy..

but just before i fall asleep, tears again make their way to my eyes.. this time not in fear, but because of the depth of the realization of who i am to you, and who you are to me..

you are already asleep.. but i mouth the words back that you said earlier when you told me the truth.. and i fall asleep.. touching the word you wrote on me..


-----------

Master, i love your knife.. i am yours to mark as you see fit..

... and they lived happily ever after.. of it

inked again

last night, Doug and i did one of our most favoritest things to do - but before we did THAT, we got new ink! glorious, beautiful, painful ink!

before i met Doug, i had never even thought about getting a tattoo, but after seeing his passion for his own ink, and discovering more about myself, i fell in love with it too.. and now, 2 1/2 years later, i have 8 tattoos.. and can't wait til the next one..

each one is very meaningful to me.. the first one i got was Doug's name stamped on my ass.. it's the most significant and wonderful gift he has ever given to me.. one i will treasure forever..

and the ones i have gotten since each have their special meanings.. i love each one of them.. be assured i don't go lightly into that good tattoo shop..

i feel very connected to the two tattoos i got last night..

my first one is a rememberance of 9/11.. i know every single one of us as Americans, and probably just as citizens of the world, can remember exactly where we were and what we were doing on that terrible day four (four??? how did time pass so quickly?) years ago.. and i know each and every one of us were changed instantly; affected on a personal level, as well as on a national level, in a way probably no other event has been dealt to us in our lifetimes.. i wanted a permanant mark on my body, just as there is in my heart, to show rememberance and to honor those who lost their lives under the hand of the terrorists.. a reminder that we are united and strong, that we will never forget.. the tattoo is on the inside of my right wrist, and is a heart with the stars and stripes in it; a scroll with Sept 11, 2001 over it.. it's a simple tattoo with complex meaning.. i am forever proud to be an American, and now, everyone can see that part of me..

Doug also got a 9/11 tattoo.. his is on the inside of his left wrist, and is a powerful tattoo (just as my Man is powerful), inspired by the "don't tread on me" snake which is coiled and ready to attack, with the date 9-11-01 underneath.. it is in a classic style, and is a compelling reminder to us all of our strength as the U.S.A.

my second tattoo is even far more precious to me.. it is dedicated to my two wonderful sons.. they are now 20 and 15.. both growing up way too quickly.. the tattoo is on the inside of my left wrist which connects to my heart, and shows two hearts together with their names on them.. the hearts are surrounded by beautiful cherry blossoms.. Doug told me that to the Samurai the cherry blossom symbolize how the nature of life is so fleeting; how life is beautiful, but also how transient.. when he told me this, i thought of my blossoming children, and how we as parents only have charge over them for a short time, and then they are on their own.. i have already seen my oldest go out on his own, and he's doing pretty well - some ups and downs, but really doing ok.. and i only have a few more years before the youngest will be out on his own too.. i will always love this reminder on my skin, of how i have been so blessed with two amazing sons, and how for a short time, it was them and me against the world.. and now i get to see them grow and mature into men, conquering the world on their own terms..

i love my tattoos.. every one of them.. each moment of agony that was endured.. each minute under the needle.. they are reminders of who i am - definitely not the norm, but decidedly me..

this is dedicated to the One i love...

ok, so this one will be mushy.. i'm just feeling that way today.. it seems like it's been a really hard last month - with insecurities, questions, doubts, sadness, anger, roller coaster emotions.. i hape it, hape it lots..

so today, i've decided to "go back to the beginning" .. to the most wonderful day of a wednesday when we were born on it.. to the day i met the One..

i must admit we didn't meet in a conventional way.. yes, we are baaaaaadddddd people - get over it.. sometimes ya gotta do whatcha gotta do, and we did.. boy howdy, did we! and we've been doin' it ever since..

but back to that night.. it was a wednesday in january 2003.. since we are in dallas, it wasn't that cold.. just a chill in the air.. we had agreed to meet at a restaurant after work for drinks and dinner.. we just wanted to meet after months of yes, CHATTING ONLINE.. **gasp** .. neither of us was looking for a relationship.. if we got some hot sex out of it, cool; otherwise, it would just be nice to put an actual face on each other and have some laughs, and make a new friend.. i think we both already knew we would enjoy meeting at the very least because of all our chats, so it sounded like a good idea..

he got there first, and was there in the waiting area when i walked in.. now, i had already seen a pic or two of him, so i knew he was a cutie.. but Damn! was i surprised when i saw him in the flesh.. WOW! he was even more gorgeous than what the pics had shown.. his smile welcomed me, and let me know that he was liking what he was seeing, too.. we hugged each other and went in and sat at our table..

i don't think there was an awkward silence the whole evening.. we talked about everything.. we are both very pervery, so we even talked about some very taboo subjects.. HE brought it up, even though he says i did.. we didn't even get around to ordering food.. we just had a couple of drinks and some chips and hot sauce.. and tons and tons of eye contact and smiles..

when it was time to leave, he walked me to my car.. and while we were walking outside, he put his arm around me.. you may say "big deal" but for some reason to me, this was the most genuine and comforting gesture i had had in years.. it was as if i had a premonition of his care and protection and dominance over me, even in just that first evening of meeting him..

we stood behind my car, talking, kissing a bit.. the air had gotten a lot colder, so i asked if he would like to sit in my car a moment to say goodnight, and he did.. we kissed more.. i felt what his mouth was like on mine, and i liked it a lot.. i don't know how long we kissed, but we kissed about a million times.. he finally said he really should go, so i reluctantly agreed.. he gave me another sensual kiss, and he left the car..

when i backed my car out of the parking spot just seconds later, i looked back to see him one more time - and he was gone! he disappeared! this was so magical - this stranger i had just met and had connected with on so many, many levels had vanished! a smile came upon my face, and i knew right then that this man was someone very special.. i couldn't wait to see him again..

when i got home, i wrote a poem about the kissing, about his mouth.. here's what i wrote:

.. his mouth was made to kiss ..

not just his lips.. but his whole mouth..

the warmth, no - the HEAT of his mouth, taking me by surprise on that cold winter night.. before knowing his touch, i was chilled through and through, wishing for the sun, the fire..

how was i supposed to know the burning heat would reveal itself to me in his kiss?

his face was on fire.. his cheek was smooth to my touch.. his chin, so soft.. his lips were so full and hot..

god, the way his mouth tasted.. give me more.. let me take your tongue into my mouth.. let me drink you fully..

the way he smelled made me want more.. the way he teased me with small soft kisses, only to plunge deep into me, like his sex will find its way into me.. dont think i missed the imagery.. hot, wet, erect tongue finding its way into my soft wet mouth.. my lips wrapping around his tongue.. my body moving with the kiss, telling him:

YES

wiggle.. wet.. open.. hot.. come inside..

all this because his mouth was made to kiss..

back to present day.. 2 years, 7 months, 18 days later === i find myself more and more in love with him every day.. through the ups and downs, through the highest highs to the lows, through health and sickness, through it all - my God, i love him..

i have to pull myself back and remember who we are - what we are - to each other.. he is my Love, my best friend, my Daddy, my savior, my Tormentor, my Sex God, my Master, my shoulder to cry on - he is my everything.. i will focus on these things, i will trust, i will believe.. i will put myself back together and just rest in his words..

i am letting go of fear.. i am putting doubt away.. i am giving myself to him, and entrusting my whole being to him.. he is the One i have chosen, and thank God he has chosen me, too..

i give him my smiles today.. i give him my trust.. i give him my silly sense of humor, and my kooky ways of expressing myself through nonsense words.. i give him my body.. i give him my mind.. i give him my heart and soul..

treasure and protect them for me, my Love, for they are yours now..

ai shiteruyo zutto ippai ...

out

i am bisexual..

there, that felt good saying that out loud..

i have been loving tits (and other girl parts too) since i was about 19 years old, i guess.. at that time, i was too afraid to let anyone know i had discovered my bisexuality.. i was a "good girl" and feelings like that were best suppressed and forgotten..

case in point: my first girl-girl experience:

i was 21.. newly married (stupid me).. horny for a girl.. and there was a hot girl, 19yrs old, who i had known for several years.. this girl was hot.. long dark hair, latina, sexy smile, hot body.. and damn she was a tease! she would go out with my husband and i to see "rocky horror picture show" every saturday night.. she spent time with us at our apartment, too.. she and i were oblivious to my husband.. sometimes after a fun night of dinner, movie, whatever - we would come back to our place and she and i would sit on the floor and cover ourselves from the top of our heads down to our toes with a blanket, and sit there are just look at each other, not saying a word.. FUCK i wanted her! we never did anything physical, but you could cut the sexual tension with a hot sharp knife (mmm, that will be another post.. sighhhhhhhh).. finally after weeks of wanting to ravage this girl with my tongue, i got her to lay down in bed between my husband and me.. and we laid there talking.. and when he got up and left the room, i made my move.. i was scared to death, but i wanted her more than i was afaid.. so i reached over to her and pulled her close, and i kissed her.. i was on fire for her.. her skin was so soft.. but guess what?? she freaked!! she told me she wasn't into girls (huh?? what??) and that she didn't want to do that..

arggggggggggggg!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (as the newly changed darth vadar says at the end of the sith movie)..

wah wahhhhhhhh (sad trumpet signalling i'm an "L7 Wieeeeeeeeeeneeeeeeeeee")

lesson learned.. learned fucking well, mind you: do NOT kiss a girl..

years pass.. men are intriguing and hot to me.. the girl thing gets pushed down.. i don't even really look at girls.. much.. yes, i fantasize about being used by a very strict girlfriend while i masturbate, but all those thoughts and desires are very private.. even the hubby (who i am now divorced from.. YES!!!) thinks i am disgusting for expressing my bisexual desires to him..

so i wait.. and wait..

the year 2000 comes.. and i wake up from the coma and slow death which is my life, and i tell myself i don't wanna wake up and find i am 80 years old, and all i can say about my life is WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?? so i get up from my cold dead bed, and i decide to change my life.. to take it by the um.. horns.. and to make it what i want it to be..

that was the year of my first "real" girl experience.. they say you never forget your first time, and it's the truth.. i know i won't forget mine.. it was her first time with a girl, too..

she was about my age.. a little smaller shape-wise than me.. she was pretty, but not a super-model.. she was perfeck for me.. she was so fucking hot.. she WANTED me.. we were both on fire to taste each other.. it took forever to get started, because we were both so nervous.. i'm not kidding - probably 3 hours of talking and flirting.. just like when i was 21, i made the first move.. i was so scared.. i was sitting next to her on the sofa, and i reached out and held her hand, and i looked in her eyes for my fate, and she said "it's okay" (sweetest words i had ever heard up to that point in my life), and i moved into her, and i kissed her so softly and slowly and so deeply.. the kiss lasted a lifetime, and i was in heaven.. i didn't realize girls were so soft to kiss.. her face was so smooth and hot.. our hands were all over each other's bodies.. we finally made our way into the bedroom, and we made out all night.. i'm sure you can use your imagination to fill in the details - believe me, we did everything.. twice.. three times.. ;)

that was the only time i ever saw her.. (i was in another state at the time, and we had a chance meeting).. i have had several other women lovers since.. some for the night, some for longer.. every time a very good experience.. maybe some day i will write about those experiences.. but for now, i wanna sit back and think about that first girl, and feel my body get hot, and remember there was no shame.. only her, only me.. only the feel of two bodies coming (ok - for the guys: cumming) together for the first time.. knowing who the fuck i am..

mmmmmmm... yummy...