six years ago..

six years ago, it was a sunday, and at this time, i was sitting in the ICU at baylor hospital next to my mom's bed.. i didn't know at the time, but it would be our last night together..

she had been there in ICU since the horrible fall the previous thursday night when all she did was stand up from getting out of bed.. just the action of standing caused her to break her femur, the largest bone in the body.. my mom was very small - only about 5 feet 1-2 inches at the most, and maybe 115 lbs.. maybe.. the doctor said not many break their femur unless it's a traumatic accident - like eating pavment after a motorcycle wreck for example..

but my little mom broke her femur just by standing up..

the doctors at baylor fixed her leg the next day, but she never got over the surgery..

you see, my mom had cancer.. she had been diagnosed in February 2002.. at the time, the doctor thought it was in her lymph glands next to her breast.. she had surgery and they removed what they found.. but over the course of the next very few months, the cancer spread with lightening speed.. all over her body..

of course, who knows how long mom had been sick.. i remember the christmas before when she had told me she just didn't know if she could do all the christmas fixings the next year, and i told her, of course you can.. my mom's house at christmas was full of joy and lights and trees and incredible food.. and of course, with mom.. and christmas 2001, it just wore her out like it had never done before..

i guess i'm like any kid (okay, a very OLD kid.. but still HER kid) and thought that mom was superwoman and could go on forever.. believe me, she was superwoman.. i just never thought of her getting sick.. or of even slowing down..

she WAS crazy super wonder woman.. and she and i, along with my absolutely kooky sister, were unstoppable.. we were the original "three amigos" and we had amazingly funny, silly adventures together..

in new york city, we almost convinced the "weenie man" as we called him (a street vendor selling hot dogs) that we would be back at midnight to buy food from him.. he was intrigued to say the least.. then there was the "waldorf astoria" incident, where the three of us got so hysterical laughing, that we had to separate ourselves in that magnificently overpriced swanky joint into three different corners of the lobby while we laughed uncontrollably, praying to God that we didn't pee our pants - three hicks from texas messing up their precious carpet.. we couldn't even look at each other, because even the slightest glance in the other's direction would bring on new bouts of hysteria..

in washington dc, the three of stayed in the prestigious Willard Hotel.. and the doorman thought mom was just the bee's knees (which she was).. and he flirted with her the whole trip.. and mom would sit outside the front of that grand hotel, watching a homeless man at the corner work the cars sitting at the light.. she was enthralled, but OMG so funny.. recapping all his moves over and over and over again to my sister and me while we just died laughing.. then there was the "smithsonian" incident.. where the three of us sat in one of those self-serve photo booths TRYING to squeeze our fat asses (well, mine for sure was fat.. and the "assitude" went down-sized from me.. but lawd, we had to sit close) in there while taking our pic with then president and cigar-insertion-enthusiast Bill Clinton.. it took us more than 30 minutes (with people waiting their turn outside the booth) to take that picture because our makeup was dripping from laughing so hard.. we just couldn't quite grasp the idea that we were looking the wrong direction each time we attempted to take a pic.. we finally did get that pic taken, and had to hold up the line longer to get the attendant to make 2 more copies of that crazy pic so we could each have one..

we went to elton and billy and eagles concerts together.. we shopped til we dropped.. teri, my sister, and i raised our 4 kids with mom.. she was our bud.. our friend.. our scummy lou..

years of memories.. laughing, crying, yelling, eating, shopping, canasta-playing, pants-peeing.. we did it all..

and six years ago, how was i to know death would knock the very next day? somewhere very deep within me, i knew.. but when that moment came the next day, i was begging my mother, my mom, my friend, to PLEASE not go.. oh God, please don't leave me..

so at about 1pm on september 16, 2002.. it was a monday.. and my mom left us.. teri telling her it was ok to go, me begging her to stay..

i would like to think that in those last moments, with teri and me there.. and our dad.. and others.. that mom sent out her last breath of love to us.. just as she had done all my life.. all teri's life, too.. just giving us love - giving us herself..

my life has not been the same since she left.. i don't think i will ever get over losing her.. i know my kids suffered a lot in the following years.. thank GOD, they have both recovered and are doing well now.. very fine young men with amazing possibilities ahead..

thankfully for me, too.. i have gotten better.. i met Doug.. and have found love in him like i have never had in my life before..

but i wish for a split moment i could go back six years.. and sit at her bedside, and just kiss my mom once more, and hold her hand.. i hope she is listening now.. i know both teri and i would say "i love you, mom"