a letter to my mom

my dear mom,

i hope you can read this ......

it's been 3 long years since i have seen you, and i wanted to write to you and tell you how much i miss you.. i hate how time just goes on, ignoring the fact that you aren't here with me - the time passing so quickly and uncaring, unaware that i am here and you aren't.. don't think that there is even one day that i don't think about you and wonder where you are, and what you are doing.. i also wonder why you left..

we were best friends.. yes, mother and daughter, but more than that - we were US.. we had so many adventures together, laughed so much, cried so much..

remember when we went to D.C. with teri? from the minute we got on the plane, we were all 3 hysterical laughing.. everything was funny.. i recall a little stint at the smithsonian when the 3 of us saw the do-it-yourself photo booth, and we all crammed in there together.. we picked the picture of bill clinton as the background (this was during the cigar-insertion era of his.. um.. "presidency"), and teri and i made goo-goo eyes at him, but you looked at him in shock.. it took us about 20 minutes to be serious enough to take the picture in that tiny booth.. people were waiting outside the booth for us to get done, and when we finally did get the picture snapped, and saw the results, the picture was so funny that we had to get the attendant and BEG her to print 2 more copies so we could each have one.. i still have that picture of us, mom.. it brings back that whole trip just like it was yesterday.. we stayed at the willard hotel... the doorman thought you were hot, and flirted with you all weekend..

then there was new york city... many times new york city.. always new york city.. that was our city, wasn't it, mom? we walked up and down 5th avenue like it was our street - like we were "ms. got rocks".. we strolled through central park like it was our big back yard.. you, teri, and i stood in 3 different corners of the lobby of the waldorf, not even able to look at each other cause we were laughing so hard.. we laughed til we peed ourselves.. i don't even remember now what was so freakin funny, but god, i remember laughing... we saw show after show after show each time we went - phantom, les mis, jekyll and hyde, etc.. our places: sardi's, the plaza hotel, carnegie deli, the central park zoo, time square, the line at tkts in times square, st patricks cathedral... too many places to mention.. and in nyc, the hot dog man (a.k.a. the "wienie man") flirted with you... omg, how funny..

you and i were both moms together.. that was the best.. you were bestest friends with my josh, weren't you? and you adored my chris.. you taught them so much about love and laughter, about being good people.. you brightened their world every time they saw you.. and it killed them when you left us..

you kicked canasta butt!! but sometimes i won, too.. i loved playing cards with you, mom.. we had some really good talks while we played..

and then there was .... lancome .... i never got to tell you my funny saying about that: "the first rule of lancome is you don't talk about the lancome, the second rule of lancome is you DON'T TALK ABOUT THE LANCOME".. dad never did know how much you spent on that, did he? oh mom, shopping was our forte.. we went to the mall and the clerks actually knew us at neiman's and dillards at northpark mall.. we spent hours looking at everything, talking a million miles a minute.. spending too much money always.. i loved your saying: "why buy it on sale when you can buy it for full price?" ... you were just too funny, mom..

you were my rock.. you cheered me when i succeeded, and you propped me up when i fell.. you used to love to hear me sing.. i remember you would cry every time i performed because you were so proud of me.. you were there for every important event in my life, and i love you so much for always being there..

i just wish i knew why you can't be here now.. my life has changed so much since we last talked.. i'm divorced now, and i know you would understand that probably better than anyone else.. josh graduated from high school, and we missed you terribly on that incredibly hot day in may of 2003.. you would have been so proud of him.. we cried that day because you weren't there.. he is in his junior year of college now.. chris struggled for 2 years after you left.. he almost gave up, in fact, and i was terrified that he would never snap out of the sadness.. but he is doing so well now.. he started to high school last year, and is a sophomore now.. he is passing everything (and did last year, too) with all A's and B's.. talk about a transformation - he has worked hard.. as for me - i have met the most amazing man in the world, and i am so in love with him.. mom, you would love him.. he is so gorgeous, so sweet to me, so good to chris and josh.. he thinks about me, and does things for me.. he loves me so much and treats me better than i've ever been treated before.. you would have loved teasing him with your sense of humor.. you would have loved his beautiful hair and eyes.. mom, i am so happy..

except for the loss of you.. Doug has been there for me so many times when i break down and cry for you.. and he comforts me, and listens to me, and offers support.. the kids are doing better, but they miss you, too.. we all do - especially dad.. he is still so devoted to you, and always will be.. it's like his life is all but over..

you were one of a kind.. there is no one on this planet like you.. i miss you, and it burns inside me like a fire.. you are still so loved.. you always will be..

i just wanted to let you know these things.. to let you know that even though you are not here, that you ARE here in my heart and mind.. i wish i could see you, hear you, talk to you, hug you.. there's so many things i need to talk to you about.. i need you, mom..

but...

please be well.. please be happy.. please wait for me wherever you are, and meet me there someday..

i love you mom...

traci


- - - - - -

my mom died on september 16, 2002 at 1:20pm... she was only 66 years old, and so amazingly full of LIFE.. but, she had cancer, and when i say cancer, i mean the kind that takes over a body so quickly and completely that it makes your head spin.. she had only been diagnosed 7 months prior, so it seems like the last few months of her life went way too fast for all who loved her.. we just weren't ready for her to go..

i will never stop missing her, and i will never stop loving her..