hurting...

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

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how can hurt creep up on us so fast? one day is full of hope and smiles, and the next is full of despair and pain..

is it karma? is it my just rewards for several years of sin? hell, what am i saying "several years" - i should say "all my life" of sin..

can there really be solid trust? where do i find it, when even my own past is checkered with deceipt and lies? can i even trust myself?

"It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?"

all i know is that i am hurting.. i am pissed off.. i hate how i feel.. i hate not trusting.. i hate this sadness.. i want it to stop.. am i the only one hurting? am i unreasonable? am i paranoid? am i just plain crazy? how do i get through pain like this - do i just shove it down and pretend it isn't there? do i scream til my throat is raw? do i cry and rant?

what do i do??? how do i let go of the pain? it is so bizarre, because one minute i CAN let go and be happy, but then from out of the darkest part of my brain comes this huge WHAM! and instantly i am plunged deep into dark despair and anger.. again.. again..

there is amazing love inside of me, but at the same time, amazing pain.. i want the love to win.. i want the love to take over, and wash all the hurt away.. i want to trust.. i want to rest in that trust every day and every night, whether i am alone or with the one.. i want to know the truth.. i want..

i want to give love and not have it turn around and spit on me..

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these are just silly ramblings from an even sillier girl.. please forget what you just read..