today's whinefest..

have you ever found yourself so caught up in the mundane monotony of life that you realize you have lost sight of the special things? life has so many pressures, so many ridiculous expectations, and i think i have put myself in a huge rut, completely stressed to the max..

i have just found out from my gyn that i have super high blood pressure and need to get to my doctor.. i've also been taken off birth control which i really hate.. my job is a drudge, and i feel like i am not fulfilling my purpose in life in the least.. daily traffic wears me down so much that honestly i have had a panic attack while driving on Dallas' fucked up freeway system..

i do have 2 great kids, but they have ups and downs, and sometimes i feel so responsible for the problems they are facing.. i am divorced, and now living in a teeny apartment with my youngest son.. i feel guilty that my kids don't live in the huge house that we used to when i was dying in my pathetic marriage.. i feel overwhelmed when i look in their eyes and see stress there.. i know i am doing the best i can, and i know one million per cent that the divorce was the right thing to do, no matter what the bible belt believers tell me.. i look at my youngest son who is a soph in high school, and know i probably drive him crazy.. i hate that he has to be so poor with me - he even got in trouble with his percussion teacher at school for not having the right sticks, and he told me he didn't ask me for what he needs because he knows we don't have money.. i see my oldest son working so hard at his job, and going to school full time as well, and i see circles under his eyes, and know he is dead broke (just like me), and it kills me that i can't be more of a provider.. i love my kids, and they love me, and they are really good kids - that's the good part.. the hard part is just life.. i wish i could go back and start on a way where i could be a better provider, able to give them a better place to live, a better life..

i have an amazing boyfriend.. we have been together over 2 1/2 years.. he is gorgeous, smart, successful, creative, caring, thoughtful, loving, sexy, snuggly.. he is everything i have ever wanted in a man.. yet i think i drive him crazy, maybe even wear on him like the traffic wears on me.. sometimes i can see it in his beautiful blue eyes.. i feel like i am a fuck-up and i feel like perhaps there are times he wishes i would just go away for a while - these are just my feelings, not what he tells me or shows me.. i know he loves me; he shows me daily that he does.. he is wonderful to me.. i think the pressures of my life are dragging on him, though.. i take total responsibility for this.. i have been reading some very old emails that Doug and i had written to each other.. way back when we were both married to other people (tsk tsk) and were meeting each other as often as possible for stolen moments and kisses and sex and connectedfulness (my own word).. what was written in those emails tugged strongly at my heart, and made me wanna go back to the beginning when life's stress and my depression wasn't an issue..

i think i am depressed..

shock

too much pressure.. too much..

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i started writing this yesterday when i was very very down; today i am better.. what a roller coaster.. i don't even know why i'm writing this.. just needed to get it out, i guess..

i am thankful for what i have in life: my kids, my Man, my dad and sister, my job, the place i live, the $15 in my purse (which i'm sure will be gone by tomorrow), my car (even though i sit dead still in it way too much).. i am thankful that there are people who not only put up with me, but who love me a lot.. i am thankful Doug and i are going to cancun in 10 days - i tell ya, we both need it bad..

i am thankful that i am alive and in love..

maybe today i can make a difference in those people's lives who matter to me, and show them they are appreciated and loved..

here goes...