color me purple.. of it

of it, for it, by it, in it, on it.. love it, mean it...

8.30.2005

subspace


i just drifted in from the darkness..
Let me take You back, if i can.
i worry that to each of us this place is different.
i don't want to misrepresent...

There was romance, and erotic seduction.
There was a slow dance..both moving to the other's rhythm - ONE...
Clothes torn and tossed
and sparks in the dark
There was the touching of fingertips, and lips and
tongues and the mingle of sweat and wine
There was music in the background, don't ask me what.
There was the smell of soft leather and skin.
There was an almost haughty pride on my part and
aggression and the show of my white teeth..
There was strength from Him, and sureness.
There was FIRE.
We clashed together and fought and then melded.

The pain came only later, after the battle
after i felt the carpet in my face after the depths.
And the pain, what can i tell you about it?
i'm high, i'm flying
be careful
i can give you everything you want
i can feel everything
my teeth are grinding
and i can hear nothing now - but my heart and His voice.
i see Him, with his cat
and when it touches me it is like His hand
we connect on a million levels
in an ancient, timeless dance
i'm buzzing,
i'm roaring
and i'm on fire.
and He is watching,
smiling

Surely He can't be where i am
even though He brought me here?
He will stroke my hair and wipe my tears
and i know it is somewhere we have visited together.

8.28.2005

hurting...


I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do.
I could never see tomorrow, but I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend a this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

I can still feel the breeze that rustles through the trees
And misty memories of days gone by
We could never see tomorrow, noone said a word about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
How can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go round?
How can you mend this broken man?
How can a loser ever win?
Please help me mend my broken heart and let me live again.

----------------------

how can hurt creep up on us so fast? one day is full of hope and smiles, and the next is full of despair and pain..

is it karma? is it my just rewards for several years of sin? hell, what am i saying "several years" - i should say "all my life" of sin..

can there really be solid trust? where do i find it, when even my own past is checkered with deceipt and lies? can i even trust myself?

"It is clear that I must find my other half. But is it a he or a she? What does this person look like? Identical to me? Or somehow complimentary? Does my other half have what I don't? Did he get the looks? The luck? The love? Were we really separated forceably or did he just run off with the good stuff? Or did I? Will this person embarass me? What about sex? Is that how we put ourselves back together again? Or can two people actually become one again?"

all i know is that i am hurting.. i am pissed off.. i hate how i feel.. i hate not trusting.. i hate this sadness.. i want it to stop.. am i the only one hurting? am i unreasonable? am i paranoid? am i just plain crazy? how do i get through pain like this - do i just shove it down and pretend it isn't there? do i scream til my throat is raw? do i cry and rant?

what do i do??? how do i let go of the pain? it is so bizarre, because one minute i CAN let go and be happy, but then from out of the darkest part of my brain comes this huge WHAM! and instantly i am plunged deep into dark despair and anger.. again.. again..

there is amazing love inside of me, but at the same time, amazing pain.. i want the love to win.. i want the love to take over, and wash all the hurt away.. i want to trust.. i want to rest in that trust every day and every night, whether i am alone or with the one.. i want to know the truth.. i want..

i want to give love and not have it turn around and spit on me..

---------------------

these are just silly ramblings from an even sillier girl.. please forget what you just read..

8.26.2005

hot fun in the summertime ...


Ozzfest 2005 may be over, but definitely won't be forgotten for a long, long time.. the day started very early (we left the house at 7am to meet our friends at 8am for breakfast).. the first band started at 9am, and we were entering the gate just as their 20 minute performance was winding down.. we headed over to the 2nd stage where we stayed until about 4pm, only taking short breaks to get water or food or to check out the several vendor booths for t-shirts, jewelry, hats, etc..

the heat was crazy hot.. fortunately, the security guys were spraying everyone close to the stage with water hoses.. and even though sometimes that water was hot, at least it was wet, and gave some relief.. we spent most of the time near the front of the crowd, and fortunately got sprayed til we were soaked for about 5-6 hours..

there were several bands we hadn't heard before (The Haunted, Bury Your Dead, Gizmachi - f0r example), and some we might not wanna hear again (especially Jada Pinkett Smith's Wicked Wisdom -- PUH-LEEEEEEEEEEEZ go back to hollywood).. but there were many bands we definitely got into including plano's own A Dozen Furies (and with a little under-the-breath head's up from my man, i saw just how popular Battle for Ozzfest's Mark probably is with the ladies!! nice package, dude!), As I Lay Dying, and Killswitch Engage.. hot, hot, hot bands!!

the closer for the 2nd stage was Rob Zombie.. by the time he took stage, Secrit, Danny, Doug, and i had made our way to almost the front of the hoards of sweaty, stinky masses and just stage right of center.. but the heat got to me suddenly, and Doug and i left our awesome vantage point and took shelter in a shady little plot of ground.. we still heard him, thankfully.. he played a lot of tunes we knew well..

after Rob finished, we headed over to the main stage where we parked ourselves on the lawn.. in the sun.. again.. but this time, there were no security guards with water hoses.. so we were out there fending for ourselves.. we drank tons of water, and an occasional coke.. we decided not to drink alcohol since it was so freakin hot..

the main stage started with In Flames, which we totally missed.. the 2nd band was Dallas' own Drowning Pool (version 3.0).. you might remember that DP had lost their lead singer in 2002 while on the Ozzfest tour.. after Dave Williams died from natural causes (heart disease), they had Jason "Gong" Jones for a while, and now that after DP and Gong parted ways, the bad had just announced they have a new singer in Ryan McCombs.. yesterday was the band's debut with their new singer, and um.. maybe they should have waited a bit because they just weren't ready.. the singer botched up many of the lyrics, and he just wasn't in synch with the band.. hopefully this was just 1st-performance jitters, because i love DP (in more ways than one, don't i honey? .. LMAO), and perhaps next time we see them, they will kick ass like they always have before..

another notable band on the 1st stage was Mudvayne.. really liked them.. and then Velvet Revolver brought down the house.. they rocked and kicked much ASS!!!! loved hearing their music, as well as some STP and GnR.. then finally, Black Sabbath and Ozzy himself took the stage, and sounded great.. Ozzy was a little weak-voiced because of illness, but hey, props to him for still kicking it, and looking great doing it!

Doug and i left before their set was over, because A), we wanted to beat the traffic (the wuss excuse), and B)we wanted to fuck (the metal excuse).. woo hooooooooooo...

ok, ok, ok.. by the time we got home, after 13 hours in the sun, and after 13 hours of ear-piercing metal and hardcore, we passed out both before and after our showers..

so we fucked this morning instead.. ain't rock and roll sweet?

can't wait for next year's Ozzfest... ROCK AND ROLL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8.24.2005

ready to rock (and sweat)


Doug and i and a couple of friends from work are going to Ozzfest 2005 tomorrow, 8/25! we have had our tickets for a couple of months (yes, they are in the freezer - in case of fire) and the day is finally at hand.. this year, we have lawn tickets, so we will be in the sun ALL DAY long.. it's been over 100 degrees each day, so it's gonna be crazy hot.. (in more ways than one, too)

we went to Ozzfest last year, and had a blast.. this year should be even better.. we are very excited to see Rob Zombie, Velvet Revolver, and especially Dallas' own Drowning Pool!! really can't wait to hear the new singer.. and we are also wanting to check out A Dozen Furies - another band of hometown boys make good - the winners of The Battle for Ozzfest..

Doug and i definitely love music, and we love going to concerts together.. this one should be great.. i hope ozzy is well enough to make it through the whole show, and that sharon will not have to kick any other band's lead singer's asses!

i guess mostly i'm just excited to spend the day with Doug and friends, away from work, in the sun, at a concert, listening to some good metal (and probably some not-so-good metal, too)..

hope i can come away from this saying "i went to ozzfest 2005, and got a lot more than a t-shirt" ........ will let ya know

8.21.2005

an introduction..


well, this is me... at one of my favorite places to be - bleachers in garland.. always with my gorgeous boyfriend, singing karaoke.. having a few too many tequila shots, and laughing and talking with friends..

i am divorced, happy (unbelievably so!), overworked, underpaid, so in love.. even though everything isn't perfect (is it ever, anywhere?), my life is the best it's ever been.. i have 2 great kids and the most wonderful boyfriend a girl could want..

i don't know yet what all i will write about here, but i'm sure i can figure it out along the way.. maybe..