top 14 reasons to NEVER stay at the radisson hacienda cancun...

Doug and i stayed at the radisson hacienda in downtown cancun this past week, and we had such a memorable time there that i just HAD to write my top 14 reasons for never staying there again... here they are:

14. sharp bottle opener where the bathroom light switch should be - a real waker-upper for those late night visits to el bano..

13. it's a "non-stop disco" (a la the System Of A Down lyric) light show in the bathroom - the light blinks on and off so randomly that those with a pace maker should think twice before entering

12. no steps in el alberco (the pool).. enter at your own risk because it's hell getting out unless you have a floatation device to help you out

11. the neighborhood surrounding the hotel is a tad scary - "el teamo's de swat" patrols there (no, that's not a real mexican phrase-o)

10. the bed de torture - honestly, sleeping on the broken up pavement of the hot, nasty street would have been more comfy than our bed

9. the soggy, wet sheets - and this is before the fuckin'

8. the air in the room is so wet and mildewy that you need SCUBA equipment to survive.. and talk about the smell ---- whew!!!!!

7. at 2am when we are finally getting ready for torture-time (i mean bedtime), there is NO WATER in the room - none from the sink, none in the shower, none in the toilet.. try holding 6 shots of tequila all night til the water is fixed: NICE

6. in the pool there is a nice swim-up bar for all to enjoy.. only hitch is you have to swim away from the swim-up stools, get out of the pool (good luck), and walk inside the hotel to ask if anyone is going to be working the bar with the convenient swim-up stools... then you have to walk back out to the pool and get in (no steps) the pool, and then swim back up to the swim-up stools that you have been waiting to swim up to all day

5. (Doug's reason): no big-tittied senoritas waiting in our room when we return from an all-day outing.. (my reason): no big-tittied senoritas waiting in our room when we return from an all-day outing..

4. the non-stop hammer of death - somewhere from deep within the bowels of the hotel, there are workers with heavy hammers, hammering hammerful rhythms which hammer all hammerous day and all hammerific night - truly a hammering time was had by all... gives a new meaning to being hammered

3. the elevator is out of order.. and when it is fixed, i get in to take a ride up to 4, and after i push "4", the elevator-dude quickly makes the door open again, and then allows it to shut.. scaryyyyy

2. slip and bleed from the aaaaaaaaaaanus (credit to Dane Cook) toilet seat which is only attached on one side - it's also an amusement park ride for those brave enough to get on and give it a whirl..


and the number ONE reason to never stay at the radisson hacienda hotel in cancun:

1. remember the 5 second rule if you drop something on the floor and when it's ok to still eat it? Doug dropped an M&M on the floor, and believe me, the 5 second rule DOES apply IF you first put it deep in your ass to clean it off - then and ONLY then is it ok to eat it after being on our room's floor



and babies, none of this was made up...