six years ago..

six years ago, it was a sunday, and at this time, i was sitting in the ICU at baylor hospital next to my mom's bed.. i didn't know at the time, but it would be our last night together..

she had been there in ICU since the horrible fall the previous thursday night when all she did was stand up from getting out of bed.. just the action of standing caused her to break her femur, the largest bone in the body.. my mom was very small - only about 5 feet 1-2 inches at the most, and maybe 115 lbs.. maybe.. the doctor said not many break their femur unless it's a traumatic accident - like eating pavment after a motorcycle wreck for example..

but my little mom broke her femur just by standing up..

the doctors at baylor fixed her leg the next day, but she never got over the surgery..

you see, my mom had cancer.. she had been diagnosed in February 2002.. at the time, the doctor thought it was in her lymph glands next to her breast.. she had surgery and they removed what they found.. but over the course of the next very few months, the cancer spread with lightening speed.. all over her body..

of course, who knows how long mom had been sick.. i remember the christmas before when she had told me she just didn't know if she could do all the christmas fixings the next year, and i told her, of course you can.. my mom's house at christmas was full of joy and lights and trees and incredible food.. and of course, with mom.. and christmas 2001, it just wore her out like it had never done before..

i guess i'm like any kid (okay, a very OLD kid.. but still HER kid) and thought that mom was superwoman and could go on forever.. believe me, she was superwoman.. i just never thought of her getting sick.. or of even slowing down..

she WAS crazy super wonder woman.. and she and i, along with my absolutely kooky sister, were unstoppable.. we were the original "three amigos" and we had amazingly funny, silly adventures together..

in new york city, we almost convinced the "weenie man" as we called him (a street vendor selling hot dogs) that we would be back at midnight to buy food from him.. he was intrigued to say the least.. then there was the "waldorf astoria" incident, where the three of us got so hysterical laughing, that we had to separate ourselves in that magnificently overpriced swanky joint into three different corners of the lobby while we laughed uncontrollably, praying to God that we didn't pee our pants - three hicks from texas messing up their precious carpet.. we couldn't even look at each other, because even the slightest glance in the other's direction would bring on new bouts of hysteria..

in washington dc, the three of stayed in the prestigious Willard Hotel.. and the doorman thought mom was just the bee's knees (which she was).. and he flirted with her the whole trip.. and mom would sit outside the front of that grand hotel, watching a homeless man at the corner work the cars sitting at the light.. she was enthralled, but OMG so funny.. recapping all his moves over and over and over again to my sister and me while we just died laughing.. then there was the "smithsonian" incident.. where the three of us sat in one of those self-serve photo booths TRYING to squeeze our fat asses (well, mine for sure was fat.. and the "assitude" went down-sized from me.. but lawd, we had to sit close) in there while taking our pic with then president and cigar-insertion-enthusiast Bill Clinton.. it took us more than 30 minutes (with people waiting their turn outside the booth) to take that picture because our makeup was dripping from laughing so hard.. we just couldn't quite grasp the idea that we were looking the wrong direction each time we attempted to take a pic.. we finally did get that pic taken, and had to hold up the line longer to get the attendant to make 2 more copies of that crazy pic so we could each have one..

we went to elton and billy and eagles concerts together.. we shopped til we dropped.. teri, my sister, and i raised our 4 kids with mom.. she was our bud.. our friend.. our scummy lou..

years of memories.. laughing, crying, yelling, eating, shopping, canasta-playing, pants-peeing.. we did it all..

and six years ago, how was i to know death would knock the very next day? somewhere very deep within me, i knew.. but when that moment came the next day, i was begging my mother, my mom, my friend, to PLEASE not go.. oh God, please don't leave me..

so at about 1pm on september 16, 2002.. it was a monday.. and my mom left us.. teri telling her it was ok to go, me begging her to stay..

i would like to think that in those last moments, with teri and me there.. and our dad.. and others.. that mom sent out her last breath of love to us.. just as she had done all my life.. all teri's life, too.. just giving us love - giving us herself..

my life has not been the same since she left.. i don't think i will ever get over losing her.. i know my kids suffered a lot in the following years.. thank GOD, they have both recovered and are doing well now.. very fine young men with amazing possibilities ahead..

thankfully for me, too.. i have gotten better.. i met Doug.. and have found love in him like i have never had in my life before..

but i wish for a split moment i could go back six years.. and sit at her bedside, and just kiss my mom once more, and hold her hand.. i hope she is listening now.. i know both teri and i would say "i love you, mom"

the cheshire cat and allison wonderland

yes, you read it right.. it's been a long, long time since i have written anything.. shame on me.. but i had to write this down tonight..

it's funny how quickly life passes by.. this hit me really hard a couple of nights ago when Doug and i were driving home, and he pointed out the sliver of the moon up in the sky..

i had already seen it, and was already a million miles (million years) away..

you see, when my oldest son, who is now 23, was just a teeny kid, he said something that has stuck in my mommy memory for all these years.. we were outside one night about 20 years ago, and he said, "look, mom! it's the cheshire cat!!" i looked up, and wow, there it was - the moon was shaped like the cheshire cat's grin.. i had never in my life seen it like that until my little boy pointed it out to me.. it's amazing how kids can see wonder in the most mundane things.. i had only always seen the moon up in the sky, but josh pointed out something curiouser and curiouser to me..

as for allison... well when my youngest son, who is now 18, was prolly bout 3 years old too, he had a funny way of pronouncing words.. again, things that are stuck in my mommy memory.. he always talked about "fozzie moto", about going to "many evil times" for a fun outing, about "pliget" from winnie the pooh, and about "allison wonderland".. he also made his forehead and eyes look like frankenstein when he was upset, and i always called him on it and made him laugh.. silly words, silly faces - all part of his growing up, and a part of me i will always cherish..

here we are now in 2008.. and my oldest son is on his own, with his own life, job, friends, apartment.. and my youngest son is about to graduate from high school and on his way to texas a&m to pursue his dream of eventually being in the air force.. and then there's me.. missing my kids with such a burning fire in my chest, that i can feel it consume me and threaten to lay me to waste..

when did they grow up? when did they become such grown men, with ambitions and dreams of their own? do they even need me anymore?

i miss the cheshire cat and allison wonderland being real parts of our lives... perhaps that is why my right arm is dedicated to a full sleeved tattoo depicting characters from alice in wonderland (granted, with my own warped interpretation - but dedicated to both of my amazing kids who spark imagination and fancy in me even now)... all i can do now is to thank them for giving me such amazing memories, and to just keep on loving them with all my heart..

josh, chris: i love you both

halloween safety tips!

1. When it appears that you have killed the monster,
NEVER check to see if it's really dead.

2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as
a joke.

3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power
has gone out. If the breakers are in the basement, go
to another house.

4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other
language which they should not know, shoot them
immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several
rounds to kill one, so be prepared. This instruction
also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's
voice.

5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair
off and split up.

6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open
portals to Hell.

7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or
crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead
as well.

8. If you're searching for something which caused a
loud noise and find out that it's just the cat, GET
THE HELL OUT.

9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not
check for short circuits. Just get out.

10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.

11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there's
probably a good reason for it. Do not stop and look
around.

12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology. Even
if you're sure you know what you're doing. Especially
if you're sure you know what you're doing.

13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip
or fall down at least twice. Also note that, despite
the fact that you are running and the monster is
merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough
to catch up with you.

14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit
uncharacteristic behavior, such as hissing,
fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing
hairiness,and so on, kill them immediately.


15. Stay away from certain geographical locations,
some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street,
Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), the Bermuda Triangle, or any
small town in Maine.

16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely
road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house
to phone for help. If you think that it's at all
strange because you thought you had half a tank of
gas, shoot yourself instead - You are going to die
anyway, and most likely be eaten.

17. If you find that your house is built upon a
cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws.
This applies to houses that had previous inhabitants
who went mad or died in some horrible fashion, or had
inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.

my favorite current snl character: penelope

i'm like so much more popular than her.... and i have so many friends.. lots of friends.. and i have been to so many parties... and i have a brother named jeff too... and i invented the hangnail... and i have given birth to kittens...

to my sons:

i'm not a perfect person. there are many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning. i never meant to do those things to you.
and so i have to say before i go, that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt you, it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through, i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears, that's why i need you to hear

i've found a reason for me, to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new, and the reason is you
i've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do, and the reason is you

to my Love:

I set out on a narrow way, many years ago
Hoping I would find true love, along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two, wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign, pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
Yes He did

I think about the years I spent, just passin' through
I'd like to have the time I lost, and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand, you've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan, that is comin' true

Every long lost dream, led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way, into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Yeah

Now I'm just rollin' home into my lovers arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

another gem from kelly...

betch, watch this video!

(and check out who the tattoo artist is)

another year..

how can it be another year that you have been gone? how is it that the world still turns without you? that the sun shines, the moon glows? it is so hard to think that life goes on while you aren't here.. and i can't believe it has been five years since you left..

It don't matter to the sun
If you go or if you stay
I know the sun is gonna rise
Shine down on another day
There will still be a tomorrow
Even if you choose to leave
cause it don't matter to the sun
It matters to me

It ain't gonna stop the world
If you walk out that door
This old world will just keep on turning round
Like it did the day before
cause see to them it makes no difference
It just keeps on keepin' time
cause it ain't gonna stop the world
But it'll be the end of mine

What can I say
What can I do
I'm still in love
So without you...

It don't matter the moon
If your not in my life
No, the moon will just keep hangin' round
Like it's just another night
Find another place to shine on down
On some other lover's dreams
cause it don't matter the moon
But it sure does matter to me



i miss you, mom... every.. day.......

one more for the road..

last night was the start of the end.. it was my youngest son's first football game of his senior year in high school.. he is on the bass line for SHS..

there's about a million mixed emotions i have about it.. i am surprised that he (i) can be old enough to be beginning a final year in high school.. i am sad cause used to be there would be lots of family and friends around me at the games, and now it's not like that.. i am excited to see chris perform - he is the bass line section leader, and so talented.. i am reminiscent of days gone by when my older son marched, and it makes me feel a sense of loss because i hardly ever see him anymore.. i feel pain because my mom should be sitting with me at the game, and she isn't.. but mostly i feel pride when i see my son working so hard to be the best he can be, and then when i see the fruits of all his labors, i am full of love for him..

last night, sitting in the mckinney isd stadium, surrounded by hundreds of fans, i realized how alone i was there.. i miss my mom at these events.. she would go to every single one of my kids' games, along with my dad.. every one.. and we would sit together, never watching the football, mind you - just the band.. but sitting there talking about our week, laughing, eating peanuts or popcorn, being best friends..

since she died on sept 16 2002, i have basically gone to my kids' events alone.. there are times when family comes out, for sure.. but i know everyone has their own stuff going, and i know it's hard to make it to every event.. i just miss the times when there were people with me there all the time - my parents, friends (parents of my sons' friends), my younger son with me in the stands..

my parents were such a huge part of football season, and although my dad will probably come to a few of the games, it isn't the same.. he usually complains the whole time he is there, and it sorta makes it stressful for me.. but it's mom i miss most.. my girl.. my friend.. my mom..

last night, when i left after half time, i was so proud of my son (like always, really).. and it made me feel good for him, because he has so many friends, and he has so much ahead of him - he is at a beginning.. he is a bright son, and i couldn't ask for more in a kiddo.. he has grown up so much since mom died, and he has gotten so much stronger, and more determined than ever to make himself into what he wants to be as a man.. that's good..

it's good, too, that there are still many, many games ahead.. and i still have those ahead of me.. i really don't wanna see marching season go away.. been doing it since josh was in middle school (and he is 22 now)... but i am taking lots of pics, and thank goodness my son is so good about ol' mom hanging around taking pics.. and i have my memories of days gone by being surrounded at the games with laughter and support.. and i know there will be games when i am not alone, too.. and that's a good thing..

next week, they play in frisco.. then in a couple of weeks, the normal season starts, and they will be back in the garland area.. to the stadiums i have spent years going to.. and it will be exciting to see their show improve and form into an award-winning half time.. i will be proud to be there every week.. full of memories, and full of hope for the future..

go mustangs!

go kiddo!

it's a good thing..

no wonder it's so hard to fall back asleep - when, after having to get up in the middle of the night to visit the little girl's room for a moment, i get back into bed and spoon up next to Mister Man.. and a certain hard "something" presses into my ass every few seconds on its own accord..

makes me wiggle so slow even closer to his warm body to get more of the effect.. and makes it almost impossible to not reach back and wake him up..

oh yes, it is a very good thing, indeed..

same as it never was..

yesterday was the start of a huge project for me: my 1st tattoo sleeve!!

it actually began back in march, when we commissioned an awesome artist/tattooist (terry mayo of cat tattoo in addison), to create a sick alice in wonderland sleeve for me.. he listened to all our ideas, and had a few of his own to add..

we went back in may to check out his finished artwork, and we just about fell to the floor! the drawing was about a million times sicker than we had ever imagined... basically, it's a very naughty alice who, OOPS, has decapitated the cheshire cat.. the tat also features a scary mad hatter, the aforementioned head of the cat, and the white rabbit (with a nipple ring).. there are other cool things, like the card guards, and mushrooms with faces, and skulls on gates.. and before it's all done, the caterpillar (who ARE you?) and the queen of hearts will be added..

so next came the waiting for the funds to accrue.. and we waited.. waited.. (he is very expensive, and i'm just a poor girl)...

thanks to some saving, and amex's generous start-up bonus, i was able to finally set up an appointment for yesterday.. terry blocked off 6 hours for me, and i headed over to cat..

we got there at noon, and it took a little while for terry to size the stencil just right, and for him to place it on my arm.. so about 1pm, he was ready to rock and roll on my right arm..

mind you, the most i have ever sat for the needle before was at tops two hours.. so the thought of sitting for six just about scared the ink outta me!

amazingly enough, though, i was able to take four hours of torture.. and truth be known, the pain wasn't really that intense until the last 30 minutes or so when all my endorphins said BUH-BYE..

he kept Doug and i pretty entertained while he was working.. he is a bit of a character, and definitely easy to talk to.. funny guy who likes zepplin..

the other artists in the shop are just as cool, and we enjoyed talking to them during the day as well.. they would all come in from time to time to check out terry's progress on this awesome piece of art..

by 5pm, i had had it, and terry finished up for the day.. he got my whole arm lined and ready to go for the next stage.. it's gonna be a while before i can get back in (unless some of you wanna make tattoo contributions!), but as soon as this heals, i KNOW i'm gonna be itching to get back in under the needle..

lawd, wish i could go today!!!

as soon as i can, i will post some pics..

dear sports, inc ...

i've been waiting all day to write so that i could get my thoughts straight..

let it be known: the ONLY reason we ever came to sports, inc was because of MARK ADKINS..

we have been faithful friends and supporters of his for over 3 years now, and have followed him to every karaoke venue he has had in that time..

we are not passers-by who just happened upon your establishment.. we did not bring friends and family to your place just by happenstance.. we came only because mark's show was there..

in the few weeks since you opened, we have been to sports, inc at least once a week.. and in that time, we experienced underpoured AND overpriced drinks each time we ordered drinks (and we order a LOT of drinks).. meals took over an hour to be served, and this last weekend, mine was COLD.. the tabs were always wrong - last weekend we were charged for our friends' food.. drink orders were delivered wrong.. the very first time we ever visited your place, we were served WATERED-DOWN tequila shots (how stupid do you think we are that we would not have noticed?)..

we put up with ALL of this for one reason: MARK ADKINS and his karaoke show - not just ANY karaoke show, or just ANY KJ - but the best show put on by the best KJ in the dallas area.. (have you not seen or heard about all his awards for his show??)..

believe me, we have been to MANY karaoke shows in the dallas area in the last four years, and mark's is the only show which is not only FAIR, but is also FUN.. he has the most extensive, up-to-date song list of any KJ i have sung for.. he is always fair, and above board, and you should be ashamed for treating him the way you have..

you should also be ashamed for the way you have treated your customers.. we brought many people - apologizing the whole time to them for your shortcomings - just so that we could attend mark's show.. and many people from mark's previous show followed him - not just a few - but MANY..
and i assure you - that we will ALL follow him to his next show, which will most assuredly be a success..

we will not be back.. and we will definitely be passing on the above sentiments to all our friends, families, and acquaintances..

church service last night..

it's funny how one actually pays for 75 cent tequila shots the next day..

Doug and i went to the church in deep ellum last night on a whim.. got there close to 10pm, and stayed bout 3 hours.. it has been a while since we have gone, and i tell ya - we had a blast! because i am such a rocker, the music was just a-ight.. very much industrial, techno, dance.. but lawd, we DID do some dancing..

it's so good to watch my Man dance.. he has some hot moves, and he looks soo fine moving.. i feel so free dancing there - i love being able to express myself through dancing..

like i mentioned above, we did well tequila shots (8 of 'em by 11pm and only 75 cents a shot!).. it wasn't as horrible as i thought it might have been (til this morning, that is!).. and they put grins on our faces, and naughtiness in our heads..

one thing i love about the church is people-watching.. there are some very interesting people there! all kinds of dress - goth, retro, trashy, semi-nude - even ghost buster uniforms.. and i love love LOVE watching the girls dance.. there was one hot stripper-looking girl who got up in the top middle stage and danced, and damn she was very sexy.. also, a cutie in a cowboy hat with big tits.. too yummy.. i wish i were somewhat daring, so that i could approach a girl.. just too shy, i guess.. so i miss out sometimes on getting to know a girl (which i would very much like to do)..

anywho..

we had a great time, and i hope we can go back very soon.. this sunday night, the cadaver cabaret will be performing, and i would love to see them.. should be a naughty fun time!

muffins!

you know you want 'em..

love the peanuts sweater!

Remember the Turtles? "Happy Together"? Here they are in 1990 describing the business side of their music career.

until everyone of them come home, this is for the soldiers..

Drowning Pool, has released a new music video in conjunction with the USO for their new track written exclusively for the troops entitled, "Soldiers." The video features live footage from the band's last USO-sponsored trip to Kuwait and Iraq. Download the song at the USO's my space ....