i miss you..

not a day goes by that i don't think about you, and it's like i die a little every time.. because i miss you so badly..

i look back at this day four years ago when i lost you, and i can't believe i saw you die in front of my eyes - i remember begging you not to go, pleading frantically - it was useless..

of course, i saw you in the process of dying for a while.. thing is, you were probably very sick even before any of us knew it..

i think you knew, though..

i just wish i could have one more day with you - like you were before cancer ravaged your small body and then mercilessly murdered you.. i know one day wouldn't be enough, but it would be something to hold on to..

mom, i do hold on to every memory i have of you.. every funny thing you said, every shopping trip we went on for lancome and shoes, every concert we rocked at together, every canasta game we played..

but it's not enough.. i am selfish.. i want you back.. i want you to play with my hair like you used to, and i want to go shopping with you.. i wanna taste a meal that you cook.. i want you and me and teri to go back to new york or d.c. and flirt with the wienie man or the doorman and i want us to laugh so hard that we can't even look at each other.. i want to hear your voice tell me you love me..

i will never never never get over losing you.. i will never be the same.. i will never come to terms with your death, and there will never be closure..

i need you to talk to josh and hold on to him after you kick him in the ass.. i need you to hug chris and encourage him and tell him how incredible he is for turning his life around.. i need you to meet Doug and fall in love with him.. i need you to give dad your biggest hug and never let go of him..

as for me, i just need you to sit down in your back yard with me and let's just sit there and talk about nothing and everything.. loving the sun, loving each other.. being us..

i hope somewhere you are looking down on me, and on josh and chris and dad and teri and vince and alex and Doug, and i hope you can send us some of yourself..

help me be strong enough to make it through this life until one day i can finally see you again..

i love you, mom - you are still my best friend..